Thinking about TV

I love BBC America. Yes, they show far too many episodes of Doctor Who and Robin Hood, but they also have introduced me to the fine art of British insults. The Brits know how to cut people down to size like no one else on earth. Yesterday, for instance, I got to hear the ever-charming Gordon Ramsay call a loud, argumentative woman "fucking Shrek in a frock." And a couple of days ago, on my new favorite show, How Clean Is Your House?, hosts Kim and Aggie described a house with a tidy front yard but potentially disastrous interior as a "fur coat with no knickers." For less clever but nonstop abuse, I recommend You Are What You Eat, on which host Gillian McKeith simply cannot say enough rude, insensitive things to her overweight and out of shape "guests." Man, I thought Gordon Ramsay was mean!

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I felt pretty bad about myself this morning, watching a rerun of Pet Sematary on Cinemax at 5:15 a.m. Really, how desperately low can a person be to sit through this movie? (By the way, I know that no one is aching for a critique of Pet Sematary at this late date, but I must commend the performance of 2-year-old Miko Hughes as the doomed baby, Gage Creed. His bloody rampage during the film's climax, not to mention his [SPOILER!!!] hilarious death scene, are the best things about the movie.) But as I sat through to the bitter end, I realized that there are people who should feel even worse about themselves than I do when it comes to this movie. Those people are The Ramones, who sing the title song over the closing credits (sample lyrics: "I don't want to be buried in a pet sematary/ I don't want to live my life again"). For shame, boys.