Dear diary

A few days ago I bought a five-year diary -- the old-school kind, in which you actually have to touch pen to paper. The day (November 17, for example) is printed at the top of each page, and the rest of the page is divided up into five six-line sections in which you can note briefly what happened to you on that day in five different years. It's kind of a manual version of a Twitter or Facebook status update, although it seems much more permanent than either of those applications. I love that I can't write very much but that I'm expected to write a tiny bit every day. Six lines seems to be just about the right amount of space for my daily life.

I was given a five-year diary as a gift when I was six or seven. To anyone considering doing a similar thing, I urge you to reconsider: A five-year diary is a terrible gift for a little girl, even if it has a pink cover and a lock with two keys. As a first grader, I had big, uncontrolled printing that couldn't possibly fit onto those narrow lines in that tiny that-year-only box, not to mention a daily life so full of drama and adventure that six lines were not remotely enough to contain all I had to say. No, if you're going to buy a kid a diary, find a blank, lined book with an attractive cover (lock optional) and rest assured that you have made the right choice. For an adult, however, a five-year diary is ideal. I mean, here's what happened to me the other day: "November 15. Saturday. Unusually warm (nearly 90 degrees). Norman's and my 5th anniversary of friendship. Lunch at Old Spaghetti Factory + cupcakes from Violet's. Watched 1408: The Unrated Version with Sean - not so great. Exhausted - in bed by 9:30." My current life is clearly a thrill a minute, and I'm sure that on some days, six lines will be far too many for me to fill.

Anyone else keep an old-fashioned diary, or have blogs, Facebook, Twitter, etc. eliminated the need (and desire) for such things?

A good thing, mostly

I don't usually work the celebrity book signings at my place of employment. Actually, that's a misstatement: I usually avoid working the celebrity events. I hate crowds, and crowds of crazy fans are the WORST. Yesterday, though, I worked the Martha Stewart signing.

I had the crappy job of ushering people out of the area after they had their books signed. It's a necessary job, but I am such a marshmallow that I find it difficult to play Bad Cop. Here are fans, shaking and sometimes crying with excitement, eager to check their cameras and phones to make sure their photos came out, and I'm the pushy broad saying, "Move along. Clear the area." When lookie-loos pressed up in a crowd behind me, trying to get a glimpse of la Martha, I invoked the name of the fire marshal and said, "Come on, now, we don't want a repeat of the Jane Fonda incident, do we?" (The fire department showed up during that signing and cut it short, claiming there were too many people crammed into our event space.) Most people were OK with being told to go away, but as usual there were a few folks who think the rules don't apply to them. Several people kept hanging around, taking blurry, underexposed photos over my shoulder and whining about wanting to get closer. I wanted to shove them, but I settled for glaring and sighing loudly and pacing back and forth so that I ruined most of their shots.

One lady sniped, "I just love your job."

"Are you kidding?" I shot back. "Today I hate my job."

Towards the end of the signing, a 40ish guy and his two kids walked up behind me, hoping to spot Martha at the autographing table. The kids weren't very interested, but the man seemed fascinated. "I just don't get it," he said. "I know her books and TV show are popular, but I don't understand why people are all excited to meet her."

"I suppose it's like any celebrity," I said. "People who aren't fans don't see the attraction."

"Yeah, but it's her fans I don't get," he said. "The middle-aged and older women I can see, but there are so many guys in line. What men want to meet Martha Stewart?"

Oh, maybe men like Lucy's gay husband Tony. I knew Tony was going to be there because Lucy had forwarded me an email from him a couple weeks back, right after we started handing out tickets to the Martha Stewart event, in which he asked if I could "help a gay man out" by reserving him a copy of Martha's new book. I spotted him in line, and the next time I saw him, he was in an animated conversation with Martha at the autographing table. Then she was on her cell phone, and then she was handing her cell phone to him so he could talk. Then there was lots of jumping up and down and squealing. Tony, who's a big guy, practically ran up to me after he got his book signed and grabbed me in a bear hug. It turns out he had told Martha how much he likes her daughter Alexis' TV show. (I didn't know her daughter even had a TV show.) Martha was touched, then told him Alexis was at home, sick, and would probably love to hear that. So she called Alexis and handed her phone to Tony so he could leave her a message. Tony wasn't exactly crying over this up-close-and-personal interaction, but his hands were shaking and he was jabbering a mile a minute.

The word everyone used to describe Martha was "gracious." "Lovely" ran a close second. I have to say, she looks fabulous, and not just for someone her age. She bought four gardening books.

Making it easy to be a good citizen

I always vote in major elections (and most of the minor ones, too). Some of it, I guess, is a desire to be -- and be thought of as -- a good citizen. I also think it's fun: I like being a part of a nationwide event and getting to share in the thrill or heartbreak of an election's outcome. I'm hoping for a thrill this year. I know the half-dozen loyal people who make up my vast readership are all planning to cast their ballots, so I don't need to give y'all any kind of pep talk to go and get out the vote.

I've noticed, though, that some places are making it especially enticing to be a voter this year. Starbucks, for instance, is giving away a free cup of coffee to anyone who comes in on November 4th and tells them, "I voted today." Ben & Jerry's is giving a free scoop of ice cream to voters on the evening of Election Day. Hamlet Restaurant (at least the Pasadena location) is offering 10% off your meal to anyone who shows them an "I Voted" sticker. Even my own place of employment is giving a 10% discount to folks displaying the "I Voted" sticker. So don't just vote, people: get that sticker and then start making the rounds. Who knows what other great freebies might be out there for people who have done their civic duty?

Actually, if you've heard of any other great Election Day freebies, let me know.

After the fall

I think you can make out the mold pretty easily, but you have to get up close and personal to see the fruitflies and ants. Nothing like a dead jack o' lantern to let you know that Halloween is over!